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Happy Birthday Aunt DeDe

I really miss someone. Her name is Gertrude Walker but everyone always called her Aunt DeDe. She was an amazing woman. She was generous. She was caring. She raised generations of people without even giving birth to anyone. She passed away on April 21, 2017 and every time I think of her or hear her name I freeze because I am reminded that she is not here on earth anymore. I truly wish she was. I wish I could still hear her laugh cause Lord knows I need one of those huge comforting hugs she always gives. Almost three years later and just the thought of her brings tears to my eyes every time. Remembering countless cookouts with her family, remembering walking to the playground down the street from her house, remembering how encouraging that woman was. I vividly remember the last time I saw her. I vividly remember the moment I was informed about her passing. I went to her grave weeks later, sat and stared at the plaque with her name and just silently cried because that was the moment when it really hit me, she really is not here on earth anymore. People always say life is short but it’s really not. Life is one long journey. We wake up every day continuing that journey day by day. Years go by and on most days nothing happens but on some days life drastically changes in an instance. I used to take my brother to go see her on her birthday. That is the least we could do for a woman who was extremely instrumental in our upbringing, right? Go see her on her birthday, March 15. Today. March 15. But after April 21, 2017, March 15 is no longer a happy birthday. Now March 15 is me sitting and being thankful that she is no longer suffering physical pain caused by cancer. Every since April 21, 2017 whenever I hear the name Aunt DeDe my body physically tense up; mostly because I still reject the idea that she is not here anymore. Since April 21, 2017 I cannot look at her pictures and feel happiness because now happiness is replaced with mourning. When someone dies people always say things like, "my condolences" "sorry for your loss" "just think of the good times." People do not tell you that mourning lasts forever. Every year I visited her plaque on March 15 and April 21 because those are the two days that have changed the most in just one instance. In a weird way that was like my thing that just made everything okay. It was like after I finally stopped crying and got up to walk to my car I could feel her spirit giving me one of those overwhelming comforting hugs saying you going to be okay because I am still here watching over you the same way I did on earth. I like thinking she is in heaven assisting God in keeping my younger brother and I safe. I cannot go visit her now because I live all the way across the country. So I don’t get to sit and cry while staring at the plaque with her name on it. And it just makes me think about all the other guardian angels in my life and how I have no idea what day is going to be the day that changes everything. I just really miss her.

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