It has officially been two weeks since I packed up my possessions in my Toyota corolla and drove across the country.
I moved to Denver, Colorado from Hampton, Virginia.
My mother and I drove 1,551 miles across the country.
I drove those miles for happiness. I drove those miles for personal growth. I drove those miles for peace of mind…
It has been two weeks and so far my one and only complaint is Denver’s unpredictable weather. It has snowed, been sunny in the high 70s, rained, and hailed all in the same week. I am always confused on what to wear outside. But what I do love is waking up to the silence of my own thoughts in my own apartment. I like having only food I that I willingly choose to eat in my refrigerator and cabinets. Food that I myself cook the way I want it cooked. I eat when I want. I sleep when I want. I come and go as I please. “New Apartment” by Ari Lennox is my new anthem and is played on a continuous loop. “There’s so much room for activities!” (If you know where that quote is from we just became best friends lol) But on a serious note this move was a process. Contrary to what some people may ignorantly think, I did not move across the country to live with my boyfriend, I am not running away and leaving family and I did not just wake up one day thinking this was the answer to all my problems. I contemplated this for months and when I finally got nerve to actually do it I planned accordingly. A lot of people did not understand my vision but it is okay because it is not their vision to see. Some people’s thoughts and actions were very hurtful. Especially the people who had no remorse for how their actions and words affected me. You ever have somebody tell you, “I support whatever you do” and then withdraw their support when you actually go through with you said you were going to do? It’s like how dare I actually chase my dreams and not continue to pussyfoot with the rest of the naysayers!?! *sigh* I drove those miles for happiness. I drove those miles for personal growth. I drove those miles for peace of mind..
I think people thought I was not serious when I said I was moving out my parents’ house. Which is frustrating because I am the type of person who actually commits to whatever I say. Before this move I felt extremely stagnant. Everyday I saw examples of people who worked a job they did not like but were accustom to. Maybe they were too comfortable in their complacency. Or maybe like me they just did not know what other options are available to them. Either way, I felt myself becoming one of those people and it both frightened and disappointed me. Without even realizing it I was my own handicap because instead of fixing my problems I was just succumbing to my current circumstances. I felt myself sinking and now I am slowly allowing myself to become unstuck so that I do not slip into the depression I was in five years ago.
Back in April I had to complete the first residency portion of my masters program. We did counseling role-playing sessions where my classmates and I each had to counsel each other. I cried about stuff that I did not even realize was bothering me. Anybody who knows me personally knows I do not cry often, so this is substantial - a breakthrough if you will. Clearly I need the professional counselor that I am trying to become. What really lit a fire for me was having my professor give me a very compassionate look and say, “I really hope you learn to put yourself first one day.”
As soon as I got home from residency I started applying for jobs. Originally when I started looking for a new job the places I looked at in Virginia kept telling me you need a masters degree and more experience. The job I had was a sinking ship and a mental strain so I found better employment with better pay in a different city. I started receiving multiple job offers before I even started packing my stuff to move. This made me realize that ultimately what I want for myself is far beyond my current circumstances. Throughout this whole process I realized I have outgrown the toxicity of stagnation in the company I kept and the environment I choose to stay in. I needed to fully commit to an elevation of life, prioritizing me and setting boundaries for the people that interact with me.
I started reading this book, Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, and it made me realize that I actually have no sense of social boundaries. I have not finished reading it (got side track being busy moving across the country) but this book has been a truly eye opening experience for me. Remember how I said I was hurt by some people’s reaction to me trying to better myself. Well this book has really made it clear to me that I have the power to expel all negativity and toxicity when interacting with others. It is one thing to learn this but to actually put into action was one of the hardest things I have ever done. But I am learning that outer circumstances can no longer be allowed to disrupt my inner peace. I am teaching myself that sometimes being strong means letting go and learning to fly on your own. So in actuality I never really needed support from anyone but myself. I had people tell me “You can’t leave because you’re the only one who…” “This is what you are leaving me with” and “Do you really want to be that far from us?” Manipulative, right? And for the first time ever the guilt trips did not work. I always say small minds do not understand big thoughts. And if I had allowed those malady like behaviors to discourage me then I would have talked myself out of multiple blessings. At the beginning of this year I wrote my post “Sis, it is time for you to be happy again...” and I told myself this year I are no longer settling for good enough and I meant it. I trust that I am on the right path, therefore delays and difficulties will no longer cause me to doubt myself. So here I am living in Denver, Colorado with my amazingly supportive and compassionate boyfriend in our own apartment, anticipating starting a new job in a couple weeks and for the first time in however long I am content with every aspect of life. I drove those miles for happiness. I drove those miles for personal growth. I drove those miles for peace of mind.